Dearest Reagan,

Today marks the anniversary of one of the saddest days of my life. You and Tanner were my identical twin boys, and I was anxiously awaiting your arrival. I was so proud to be having twins. Your room was ready, your crib was awaiting your arrival with fresh sheets, and your closet was full of clothes. I knew you were sick, but I was holding onto every ounce of hope that you’d be born and that God would heal you and you could grow up with Tanner. On February 21st, 2005 I was told you had passed away, it felt like my heart was literally crushed. You were born about 11:50 pm and they wrapped you up in a little blanket, placed a hat on your head and handed you to your Daddy and they told them how sorry they were. We cuddled you for several hours before we had to make the most heartbreaking decision of having to hand you over to the hospital knowing I would never see you again on this earth. I wasn’t able to go home to be at your funeral, and I really felt like I would die of heartbreak that day, it was a day I can never truly explain to anyone – the pain was so deep. My identical twin sister went home with you and helped get you cleaned up and dressed for your burial – that was very comforting to me to know a part of me was there with you. I have your funeral on a cassette tape and it sets by my bed in a memory box from your Dads funeral. I try not to talk much about my pain, I don’t want my sorrows to become my identity, but today felt like a good day to talk about you and to tell you how sad I’ve been today, and how sorry I am that you’re not here on earth to celebrate you and Tanner’s Birthday together. I’ve asked the Lord many times to let me be there when you and Tanner meet again, I do hope He grants me that request. Tanner talks about you, and he is really proud to know you are his brother. I know you must be experiencing great joy today on your birthday, I believe being with Jesus would be the greatest birthday anyone could ever have, but it doesn’t take away my pain and sadness I feel today. I like to think that Jesus needed a little baby boy with Down Syndrome up in Heaven, and so he chose you – that brings me some comfort and joy. I love you Reagan, and as Tanner says “I’ll see you at the house”

Love, Mom